I often look back at things, I often need some introspection to find out what I did right and what all went wrong. I listen to music, sometimes pass my time writing, rarely I would sketch something but most of the time I keep myself occupied thinking about all sorts of things, mostly related to myself in some direct sense. I'm not yet mature enough to qualify my actions appropriate or childlike. Before doing something even now at times I think very little, not weighing the consequences or what all my actions might translate into. Next month I'll turn 22 and I am yet to grow up.
I often walk to Abhinav's room to talk. In a way he is a lot different from any other friend I have here at college. Actually everyone is different, be it pseudo-intellectual talks with iSid or discussing about personal life with Ayush. Abhishek is always in a mood to tease while Siddharrth is always there to make me realize that there would always be people who are far lazier than I am. Aatish would walk past me while discussing what to do with our respective professional lives, while simply greeting others on my way to room is sufficient with most of my hostel mates.
Abhinav sometimes exaggerates way too much that things might appear impossible but in some ways he gives the hint of how things really are. We talk about all sorts of things and he leaves no chance to make me realize that I’m still away from the real world. Sarcastically I said that may be people still think that I’m not old enough to share some sorts of talks, he took less than a second to portray my statement as truth.
I often think, is it part of my nature, or the cloak of values and ethics that has led me to lead this life containing constraints I have set for myself. I often ask myself if my behavior is synonymous to the conservative attitude. I have, depending on the expectations of others, my own past experiences and also words of wisdom from people who matter have set some rules for me. There are certain things that I have decided would shape my life in a way I want.
I try my best to be good to everyone. Sometimes I do well, sometimes I fail too. But nonetheless, I try not to offend anyone in anyway. But acting well, at least to some people, is it always the right approach? I live a life which is very different from the people who are around me. I'm not someone who would crumble under peer pressure, but at some point in time, I’m bound to realize that may be my definition of happiness was not perfect. Should I have tried to change? Or am I the best the way I am? But what's the use of all these polite gestures when there's no one to appreciate. Should I be content with just my self appreciation? Or should I go with the flow of the times. There is a lot to answer. I'm yet to find them out.
I’m different and I don’t like bragging about it. I don’t impose my thoughts on anyone and don’t expect them to do so either. So what exactly is the right way, the one I’m leading or the one which I could have? I see from a distance people enjoying different things, but I am always at a distance, prohibiting myself from all. Important thing is being aware of everything. And while talking with Abhinav, I always have come face to face with reality, though an exaggerated version, but I can always alter them to fit the possibilities that exist.
Whatever I say or write might not always make sense to you, the one who is reading it. I would not like to explain it either. But the interesting thing is, how you would interpret it. There are only a few people who would know what I mean, and that’s what makes it so exciting. So am looking at my inbox, may be I’ll get a message or two asking and clarifying. I’m waiting.
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