A panoramic mystique

I had a dream last night. Well, that’s not something unique, I remember it even now, and well that is something that usually does not happen. In the dream I was walking in some dense forest. There was a slight hint of sunlight which made its way through the dense network of leaves. There was no trace of any human existence. I ran to find my way out. The creepy creatures hindered my way, I did not know the way out, and neither had I had any hope of surviving. But what did I want? What was I running from? What was my destination? Did I want to return to the life I was so far living, or did I want to see a whole new world.

I stopped by a brook, bent down to drink the clear water that was flowing very slowly. As I picked it up it turned into a dense glittering liquid. Astonished, I took a step back as the bright silver liquid found its way through my fingers. I was taken aback by whatever it was happening. Curiosity got me to have a closer look at the water. All I saw was a plain surface, replica of a mirror. A face looked back at me as I fixed my gaze where my reflection should have been, it looked familiar, as if I had seen it all my life. It looked exactly as I had wanted myself to be.

Trees grew thinner and the battle was being won by the bright sunlight that made the place shine like a giant mirror. All the vegetation was disappearing; the tiny creepy creatures were drowning in the hard surface of a long flawless mirror. The silver dense liquid flew out of the river to cover all the ground and solidify. I looked in all the directions, as far as I could. And nowhere could I find any sign of life, just a big minor which had engulfed my whole surrounding in a span of around ten seconds. I stood there staring at Sun which was now getting dimmer.

I was sitting in darkness. I could feel the giant mirror beneath me, fighting for its identity in absence of sunlight. I could not even see my silhouette in it. Over the time I had become habitual of living in solitude, but had never experienced such loneliness ever. I have my own world within myself where I am free to imagine whatever I like. But here I was in a world where there was no inside and no outside. There were no boundaries and no restrictions. There were no rules and no limits. I thought about my existence, was anyone aware of it or was I the only one? I thought about others, did I know anyone and even if I did were they just part of my imagination? Were they part of my inner world? But there was no inner world; there were no boundaries, no separations, and no classifications. I doubted my existence, I tried to find the mirror below my feet, I bent down to touch it, but it was gone.

I tried to feel my feet, but with what, I had no fingers, no hands, and no arms. I had no face, no head, and no brain. I closed my eyes which did not exist and flowed in the air that had never been there. Despite all this, I could feel. I could feel the eerie calmness that transformed into eternal peace as I accepted the reality. There was nothing to seek, nowhere to go to. I could feel the solitude which transformed into companionship provided by the darkness; the darkness which transformed into a heavenly light as I opened my light brown eyes. The mirror beneath my feet cracked to make way for the trees that had grown. The broken bits of mirror flowed back into the river. The water splashed on my face. The insects no longer looked creepy. The sunlight was warm and comforting as the Sun grew brighter and mightier.

I moved forward to look at my reflection in the water that had now become calm. There was me staring back, the person I had always known, with a slight grin on the face. It seems as if he wanted to say something, but was not ready to speak. The constant gaze was expressive enough. I grinned back at him, closed my eyes to open them and come back to the world I was familiar with. I woke up, with a message to decipher, the code had been cracked. I had a question as well as the answer.

Latched window and the closed door

I often look back at things, I often need some introspection to find out what I did right and what all went wrong. I listen to music, sometimes pass my time writing, rarely I would sketch something but most of the time I keep myself occupied thinking about all sorts of things, mostly related to myself in some direct sense. I'm not yet mature enough to qualify my actions appropriate or childlike. Before doing something even now at times I think very little, not weighing the consequences or what all my actions might translate into. Next month I'll turn 22 and I am yet to grow up.

I often walk to Abhinav's room to talk. In a way he is a lot different from any other friend I have here at college. Actually everyone is different, be it pseudo-intellectual talks with iSid or discussing about personal life with Ayush. Abhishek is always in a mood to tease while Siddharrth is always there to make me realize that there would always be people who are far lazier than I am. Aatish would walk past me while discussing what to do with our respective professional lives, while simply greeting others on my way to room is sufficient with most of my hostel mates.

Abhinav sometimes exaggerates way too much that things might appear impossible but in some ways he gives the hint of how things really are. We talk about all sorts of things and he leaves no chance to make me realize that I’m still away from the real world. Sarcastically I said that may be people still think that I’m not old enough to share some sorts of talks, he took less than a second to portray my statement as truth.

I often think, is it part of my nature, or the cloak of values and ethics that has led me to lead this life containing constraints I have set for myself. I often ask myself if my behavior is synonymous to the conservative attitude. I have, depending on the expectations of others, my own past experiences and also words of wisdom from people who matter have set some rules for me. There are certain things that I have decided would shape my life in a way I want.

I try my best to be good to everyone. Sometimes I do well, sometimes I fail too. But nonetheless, I try not to offend anyone in anyway. But acting well, at least to some people, is it always the right approach? I live a life which is very different from the people who are around me. I'm not someone who would crumble under peer pressure, but at some point in time, I’m bound to realize that may be my definition of happiness was not perfect. Should I have tried to change? Or am I the best the way I am? But what's the use of all these polite gestures when there's no one to appreciate. Should I be content with just my self appreciation? Or should I go with the flow of the times. There is a lot to answer. I'm yet to find them out. 

I’m different and I don’t like bragging about it. I don’t impose my thoughts on anyone and don’t expect them to do so either. So what exactly is the right way, the one I’m leading or the one which I could have? I see from a distance people enjoying different things, but I am always at a distance, prohibiting myself from all. Important thing is being aware of everything. And while talking with Abhinav, I always have come face to face with reality, though an exaggerated version, but I can always alter them to fit the possibilities that exist.

Whatever I say or write might not always make sense to you, the one who is reading it. I would not like to explain it either. But the interesting thing is, how you would interpret it. There are only a few people who would know what I mean, and that’s what makes it so exciting. So am looking at my inbox, may be I’ll get a message or two asking and clarifying. I’m waiting.